Your Cast Plays Card Games in Hell! And by Hell I mea the Shadow Realm
by Neko Neko Rachie
Summary: I couldn't fit the whole title in there, sorry!- In a twisted turn of events involving un-salted fries, the YGOTAS cast is sent into the Shadow Realm. Every. Single. One of 'em. Should be fun.
1. Chapter 1: Hell

**Chapter One****:**

**Hell**

"This is all your fault, _Pharaoh._"

"How is any of this my fault?"

"You kind of lit Bakura's trench coat on fire."

"Don't touch Kitty's clothes. He'll murder you on the spot."

"I'm not a bloody cat, Marik!"

"You might be! You'd just never know because you don't have your own body."

"That is by far the stupidest thing that's ever come out of your mouth."

"It's a reasonable theo-"

"NO IT'S NOT!"

"All of you shut the _fuck up_! _Please_! I'm _begging_ you!"

At Kaiba's statement everyone shut up.

What was going on, you might ask?

Well, in a twisted Burger King meeting, un-salted fries, flaming clothes, hugs, and a Shadow Game, the entire cast of Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged was sent into the Shadow Realm.

Lovely stuff.

Kaiba was obviously not happy about being here. The Shadow Realm was full of girls jumping up and down as if they had to pee.

When he saw one, Marik burst out laughing.

"Aha! Hey, 'Kura, remember when you accidentally opened a portal to the Shadow Realm in the girls' bathroom? That was funny."

"Yes it was, Marik. Yes it was."

"You did that?" Yami asked, "Ra, I'd do that on purpose!"

"You know, Yami, you're kind of an asshole." Yugi said.

"I am not! I can be... Sympathetic."

"No you can't."

"I was totally sympathetic when Joey was in a life-threatening com-"

"No you weren't." Everyone said monotonously.

"Well, I _definitely_ was when you guys got your soul taken by Baku-"

"No you weren't."

"Well, I _know_ I was when we thought Tristan di-"

"No you weren't."

"YOU'RE AN ASSBUTT!" Tristan shouted at Yami, getting right in his face.

"I have a question." Ryou said, raising his hand, "Why does everyone have their own separate bodies?"

Silence fell across the group.

"Maybe..." Marik muttered.

"IT'S SO THE CHARACTERS ARE EASIER TO WORK WITH, GEEZ!" Téa shouted. Everyone stared at her, "Oh, like you don't write fanfiction."

"No one normal does, Téa." Yami grumbled.

"Actually, Pharaoh," Yugi said, "there are thousands, perhaps millions, of fanfictions on the Interne-"

"No." Yami interrupted, "None of that. Don't correct me. ... Bitch."

"But-"

"Nope."

Yugi huffed and crossed his arms.

They continued walking, not really sure where they were going.

"I kinda like it here." Melvin said, "So serene." -There was a scream of torture- "So.. Peaceful." -They walked past a brutally mutilated body- "Just so wonderful."

"What is wrong with you?" Ryou demanded, "You're worse than Bakura!"

"Is this a challenge I'm hearing?" Bakura asked.

"Well, no-"

"I feel as though you've challenged me, Yanushi. I'll have to do better next ti-"

"Wait, 'Yanushi'?"

"Read the manga. And, really, just fanfiction. I call you that all the time."

"But..." Marik said, confused, "Why would you call him landlo- OH!"

"Ra..." Bakura whispered in irritation.

"HI BAKURA!"

The whole cast screamed.

There was a giant blue monster standing above them.

"Jesus!" Kaiba shouted, then said, "What the fuck is that?"

"My name is Zorc!" The giant blue monster said, "And my dream is to destroy the world!"

Bakura huffed.

"Zorc, how many times to I have to tell you? You've already destroyed the world a billion times. And then you destroyed the Studio Audience one time."

"I just want to feel appreciated!" Zorc cried sadly.

"I am experiencing feels for one of the main villains of Season 5..." Téa whispered.

"It's okay, Zorc!" Marik said, "Maybe you can help me and Bakura defeat the Pharaoh!"

Zorc looked up from his hands- which were the size of a football field-, a grin on his giant face.

"Really?"

"RA, NO!" Bakura groaned, "Marik is enough!"

The two ignored him.

"Oh, yeah!" Marik said, "In fact, the Pharaoh's right there!"

He pointed to Yami.

"Oh, yay!" Zorc said, raising a foot.

Yami actually screamed.

"Not yet!" Bakura shouted, "If we want to go through with the entire series like LK plans to, then the Pharaoh needs to be alive!"

"Wow, Bakura." Yami said, smirking, "I didn't know you cared."

'"I don't give a bloody f*ck about you, Pharaoh! What I want is the bloody screentime I was promised in my contract!"

"Riiiight!"

"Oh, go to hell."

"Aren't we already in hell?" Marik asked, "Speaking in terms of this show, I mean?"

"Alright." Bakura said to Yami, "Then go wander the Shadow Realm on your own, Your Highness."

He gave an over-dramatic bow, crossing his ankles, and spreading his arms out wide.

"Maybe I will!" Yami said, "It'd be better than hanging out with you idiots!"

"But Pharaoh!" Téa said, "You'll get yourself lost in here forever!"

He just sort of stood there.

_Well... That's true... But I'll be away from Téa... That's a win. So... It's a lose-win situation... That win is a good thing... Like Canada at Sochi... He. They beat everyone's ass! Speaking of asses, Melvin's got a nice one. That was gay. I'm not gay... Am I? Considering the references in Season 1, maybe I am! Oh, Ra... But... I'm not. I am like Pegasus! A true man's man!_

Satisfied with his thoughts, Yami looked up.

"I guess I'll stay."

"YAY!" Téa hugged him.

"No. None of that. Get off."

"Okay!"

"Maybe we should keep going.." Ryou said quietly, "I don't like this place and I want a way out..."

"Pansy." Bakura grumbled.

"Ryou's right." Yugi said, "We should keep moving."

...

**I got this idea whilst lying in bed at 3 AM, and it turned out quite well.**

**I got writer's block for the story I intended to use to stop my writer's block. Irony.**

**Also, I can't figure out how to word the next chapter.**

**I'M WORKING ON IT, OKAY?**

**Okay.**

***Bursts into tears because TFiOS***


	2. Chapter 2: Ghosts

**Chapter Two****:**

**Ghosts**

"GUYSGUYSGUYSGUYSGUYSGUYS" Tristan came hurtling at the group at the speed of Tristan, which is about 32 km/h, screaming like he'd seen some brutal murder. Which, being in the Shadow Realm, was not impossible.

"Neyh, what is it, Tristan?" Joey asked.

"THERE'S A GHOST! _**CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS**_!"

"Tristan," Yugi said, "the Ghostbusters aren't _real._ And one of them _died_."

"I DON'T CARE! THERE'S A GHOST! CALL THEM!"

"What ghost is it, precisely?" Bakura asked.

"Jegshamash!" Came a voice.

"OH RA!" Groaned Yugi, Yami and Marik at the exact same time.

Shadi stepped into their field of vision, his pupil-less eyes seeming to stare themselves into their very souls.

And, with the Key, he probably could do that.

"I am here to warn you that if you start a Shadow Game in the middle of Burger King, you're going to get yourselves into-"

"But the Pharaoh and 'Kura already did that." Marik said, "What good is warning us if we already did it?... Didn't Ishizu ask you that when we were kids?"

"I AM A GHOST!"  
Tristan screamed, hiding behind Joey.

"Yeah," Yugi said, "you're a ghost. Did you lock yourself away int the Shadow Realm just so you could tell us that?"

Shadi stayed quiet, staring at the ground that seemed to go on for eternity.

"Yes." He said, "Yes I did."

"You're not the strongest card in the deck, are you?" Kaiba asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I'll have you know that I play a very important role in your story, Tall Jew Boy."

"Yeah, yeah. Where exactly can I pick you up in a Wal-Mart booster pack?"

Shadi turned red in the face.

"You're all on your own from now on!" He shouted, throwing his hands in the air and storming away.

"Kaiba..." Ishizu said, appearing suddenly, "That was not the smartest thing to d-"

"HOLY SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM!?" Téa shouted, leaping.

"I've been here the whole time."

"Oh..." The friendship-obsessed girl whispered.

"So, anyway-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

...

"Hey, BakuuuUUUUuuuuura!"

Bakura groaned and smacked at the air above him, his hand finding Marik's. He jerked it away and sat up.

"_What_?" He demanded in a whisper due to the others sleeping. They'd settled down for what they assumed was the night, Melvin watching over calmly, despite being in for what settles for hell.

Marik held up two markers.

"Let's draw penises on their faces!" He whispered, a grin on his face.

Bakura started cackling.

"What?" Marik demanded.

"That is actually the straightest sentence that has come out of your mouth."

"ER! Bakura, I am _100% straight_!"

"Yeah, about as straight as Pegasus!"

Marik turned red in the face and slammed a marker into his partner's hand.

"Do what you wish to the Pharaoh. I'll get everyone else."

Bakura rolled his eyes, but this was the most outrageous thing Marik had done in a while, so he went with it.

He leaned over the Pharaoh, who was sleeping on his back, arms outstretched.

Perfect.

He leaned over him and wrote the best insult he could think of across his forehead.

_Looks horrible in leather._

Nothing else would actually get the Pharaoh going. If he'd written something like _Gay_ or _Douche_, the Pharaoh would probably brush it off and laugh.

This was the ultimate insult for the guy.

Marik was darting all over everyone, drawing what was undoubtedly a crudely-drawn penis that 6th graders draw on everything.

After all, Marik was like a giant 6 year old.

Bakura just sort of watched him. His stomach muscles tightened as he leaned over, a laugh shaking his chest. His dull blond hair fell forward, just past his shoulders, in a soft way. His eyes were like lavender mixed with the colour of storm clouds, full of child-like amusement and cheerfulness at 'winning them over'.

He pulled his eyes away when Marik got closer to him. The guy distracted him so easily it wasn't even funny.

His obliviousness made Bakura want to rip someone's throat out. But he didn't.

Was he going soft because of this effeminate Egyptian that had ridden an obligatory anime motorcycle into his life?

Marik came over, whispering a laugh.

"This is brilliant!" Marik whispered, "I am a criminal genius!"

"Yes you are, Marik. Yes you are."

...

Kaiba opened his eyes to laughter.

"Seto.." Mokuba said, leaning over him, "You have... Uh... Genitals on your face..."

"I _what_!?"

Kaiba ripped out his briefcase from below his head and stared at his reflection.

On his face was a crudely-drawn penis.

"WHO THE FUCK DID THIS!?"

Judging by Ishtar loosing it across the group, and the fact that he had nothing on his face, it was him.

"GIVE ME THIS!" Yugi- sorry, Yami- demanded, ripping the briefcase from Kaiba's hands. He stared at his reflection, eyes wide.

_Looks horrible in leather._ was written across his forehead, and he seemed incredibly offended.

"Whoever did this is getting a mind-crush." The Pharaoh declared.

"It was Ishtar." Kaiba said to him.

Yami stomped over.

"Marik?"

Marik was dying with laughter.

"Wh-what? AHAHAHAHA!"

"Did you write this?"

"No. That was-" He snorted laughter again- "That was Bakura."

Yami left Marik to his laughter and shook Bakura.

"_WHAT!?_" He was so mad, the punctuation was in italics, "_WHAT COULD BE SO **BLOODY IMPORTANT** THAT YOU HAVE TO WAKE ME UP!?_"

"Did you write this?"

A grin grew across Bakura's face.

"What are you going to do about it, Your Highness?" He asked arrogantly.

Yami spasmed with his hands.

"Well?"

Bakura sat up, then stood.

"What cha gonna do about it?" He breathed, "We're already in the Shadow Realm, there's not much you ca-"

"MIND CRUSH!"

Bakura flattered mid-sentance, and gasped, dropping like a rag-doll.

Marik stopped laughing.

"WHAT THE HELL, PHARAOH?!"

"He'll wake up."

Marik glared at him, pulling a semi-conscious, as he would be for a while, Bakura up, arm through Bakura's armpit, supporting him.

Bakura was grumbling in Ancient Egyptian, which no one could hear or understand.

"Well," Melvin said cheerfully, "with that wonderful endeavour, shall we keep going?"

...

**Bakura's a little out of character, I know.**

**Let's see if Shadi comes back, shall we?**

**Okay?**

**Okay.**


End file.
